Bee Movie

Bee Movie (2007) – Stupid on every level – even the opening card is wrong. 3

Dark City

Dark City (1998) – Good idea, good effects, but only average execution; destined forever to be held up to The Matrix even though this came out first; Kiefer Sutherland really hams it up. 6

Metoroporisu

Metoroporisu (2001) – The animation is great and the world is full of potential, but the script is terrible and the movie utterly fails to engage or compel. 4

¡Three Amigos!

¡Three Amigos! (1986) – It was a lot funnier when I was twelve. 5

Stage Fright

Stage Fright (1950) – The cast is good and the story holds the interest, but the twist doesn’t quite work and the end is somewhat underwhelming. 6

Akage

Akage (1969) – Most of the film is much too cheesy for the subject matter (the lousy subtitles certainly don’t help); this is further evidence that Mifune was Clint Eastwood before Clint Eastwood was. 5

Body of Lies

Body of Lies (2008) – Unremarkable, unimpressive, uncompelling, and helmed by unsympathetic, amoral characters. 4

The Bucket List

The Bucket List (2007) – Good-natured, but it mostly just sits there. 5

Yes Man

Yes Man (2008) – Rarely does a movie swing so pendulously between the genuinely funny and the embarrassingly lame. 6

Outlander

Outlander (2008) – Pretty good, but when you’ve got this cast, aliens, monsters, and Vikings to work with, you ought to be able to do better; nice to see Jim Caviezel’s still alive. 6

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003) – Too long and full of errors, but somewhat enjoyable nonetheless; I prefer Hornblower. 6

Robinson Crusoe on Mars

Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964) – Fairly entertaining, even if the science gets pretty silly and they couldn’t have been much farther wrong on Mars if they’d tried. 6

The Last Wave

The Last Wave (1977) – Quite surreal, it takes a rare look at Aboriginal religion and culture, but the movie crawls. 5

Virtuosity

Virtuosity (1995) – Never mind how badly this has aged; it’s astounding that a film with Denzel and Russell Crowe could be this poor. 4

The Return of Captain Invincible

The Return of Captain Invincible (1983) – Thoroughly ridiculous but quite entertaining – plus it’s a musical! 6

Deep Blue Sea

Deep Blue Sea (1999) – Mediocre survival horror with a good score, bad dialogue, no regard for facts or science, and one classic moment. 5

Milk

Milk (2008) – Done in such a way as to only appeal to the gay crowd; the direction is inferior; apparently kissing a bunch of men is about all it takes to win Best Actor these days. 5

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin

Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985) – Well-animated, but the Star Wars-derivative story runs out of steam mid-way; it would have been nice to see it in 3-D; all things considered, though, it deserves better than total obscurity. 5

The Curse of Frankenstein

The Curse of Frankenstein (1957) – The original Cushing/Lee Hammer horror film is now just another unremarkable, middle-of-the-pack Frankenstein movie. 5

Five

Five (1951) – A microcosm of human nature in an unremarkable post-apocalyptic story with iffy scientific conjecture. 6

Wizards

Wizards (1977) – A visually striking post-apocalyptic hodge-podge in dire need of a coherent story. 5

The Vanishing

The Vanishing (1988) – Slow with a good personal focus; drags to a fairly unsurprising and unremarkable climax. 5

The Crying Game

The Crying Game (1992) – Just about everybody knows the twist by now, whether they’ve seen it or not; beyond that, it’s kind of a pointless mess with some unintentionally comic moments that spoil its mood; Forrest Whitaker’s horrendous accent is one for the ages. 4

Hawk the Slayer

Hawk the Slayer (1980) – Dressed like Han Solo, Jack’s dad from Lost fights Jack Palance’s overacting; this film is low budget and poorly done in almost every facet, but the characters are fun, and from the overly enthusiastic score to the horrible effects (silly string, most egregiously) to the whole thing taking itself much too seriously, it’s thoroughly enjoyable for all the wrong reasons. 3

Cinderella Man

Cinderella Man (2005) – Yet another of the many well-made but overlong, melodramatic, glamorized, half-fictionalized biopics that Hollywood has been cranking out like hotcakes lately; do we really need more boxing movies? 6