Batman (1943)

Batman (1943) – Here we have flabby, Bostonian government agent Batman versus those “shifty-eyed Japs” in this racist, cheesy wartime serial; it’s also got zombies, ray guns, man-eating crocodiles, a quality Alfred, an overabundance of fisticuffs, and no Batmobile. 6

Bang the Drum Slowly

Bang the Drum Slowly (1973) – A missed opportunity – it’s short on baseball and genuine pathos; watch out for those tricky not-quite-Yankees uniforms. 5

The Cheap Detective

The Cheap Detective (1978) – Falk’s essentially playing the same character he played in Murder by Death, the difference being, that film was hilarious and this one, which cribs from all things Bogart, causes as much cringing as it does entertainment. 5

Meet the Robinsons

Meet the Robinsons (2007) – Hurray for kids getting adopted, sure, but mostly it’s yet another proof for this equation: Disney + CGI – Pixar = wack. 5

White Zombie

White Zombie (1932) – It’s perhaps the original zombie film; the atmosphere Halperin creates is impressive, although on the heels of Dracula, he gets carried away with shots of Bela Lugosi’s eyes (and his super-fake eyebrows); the acting is way over the top and oh, that dialogue. 5

Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter

Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter (1974) – The direction is artistic but cheesy (this is the only film Clemens ever directed), even for a Hammer film, and the film doesn’t bother making a whole lot of sense; that said, you might want to see it if you think a vampire-hunting, katana-wielding cavalry officer is a good idea. 5

Laura

Laura (1944) – A stylish noir whodunit that maintains its suspense until the end, but which suffers from some plot contrivances and only two suspects; Clifton Webb does a great job. 6

City of Ember

City of Ember (2008) – A pleasant surprise – a post-apocalyptic movie for kids with a satisfyingly detailed world. 6

Return to Oz

Return to Oz (1985) – It’s closer to the books than to the classic film; there’s not a great deal of story, but the visuals are impressively striking; also: the chicken is annoying, the Scarecrow looks like a creepy Muppet, and this one might be too scary for little kids. 6

Seconds

Seconds (1966) – Psychedelically artsy and mildly thought-provoking, it’s also utterly joyless, but that seems to be the point. 6

Grand Illusion

Grand Illusion (1937) – One of the original POW escape films, this one’s pretty good, if a bit disjointed; given its proud legacy and near-universal acclaim, I kind of feel bad for not liking it better. 6

A Touch of Class

A Touch of Class (1973) – There’s no class involved, and there’s nothing particularly funny about wanton adultery – not that this movie is the slightest bit funny otherwise; it’s astonishing that this was nominated for Best Picture. 3

Dark Victory

Dark Victory (1939) – It thinks it’s a poignant search for peace, and it should have been, but it’s derailed by the shocking and reprehensible failure of the doctor to disclose a terminal diagnosis to the patient, at which point the movie also has some maudlin lapses; it’s really too bad, especially considering Bette Davis’s great performance and the film’s strong final act. 6

Down Argentine Way

Down Argentine Way (1940) – The story is completely secondary (and it’s corny rather than funny); the dance and choreography are fine and Betty Grable is always nice to look at (so is Carmen Miranda, while we’re at it), but the music is nothing to sing and dance about (sorry). 5

The Burrowers

The Burrowers (2008) – If Tremors 3 took itself seriously and needed forty minutes to get going, you would have something like this film; the characters are decent but the story is kind of dumb and the monsters turn out to be pretty stupid; it’s got some nice cinematography, though. 5

District 9

District 9 (2009) – An up-close take on apartheid with an incompetent, obnoxious “protagonist” who can’t be taken seriously (think Steve Carell in The Office), it can’t make up its mind whether it’s a mock documentary or not; on the whole it’s well handled, though, given how easily it could have become silly. 6

Judgment at Nuremberg

Judgment at Nuremberg (1961) – This is as compelling and important a courtroom film as there’s ever been (although courtroom is a somewhat limiting genre); the performances are excellent. 7

Push

Push (2009) – It gets by, barely, on the great Hong Kong style and the coolness of the concept; at times, the dialogue doesn’t so much clunk as smash through the floorboards. 6

Star Trek: Of Gods and Men

Star Trek: Of Gods and Men (2007) – For a low-budget, unofficial production, this has an impressive number of Trek alumni; Tim Russ’s direction does not impress, and neither does the script; it’s a nice try, but it’s just too cheesy. 5

Surrogates

Surrogates (2009) – The premise is tough to buy into (hello, cost?), but the metaphor is relevant; beyond that, it’s got a pedestrian, flawed story. 5