Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland (1933) – The sets and effects are quite impressive, particularly for the day, but the movie isn’t as interested in telling the story as it is in rushing willy-nilly from one scene to another and making as many big-name actors as possible unrecognizable. 6

Angels & Demons

Angels & Demons (2009) – Like its predecessor, it cuts out much of the controversial religious nonsense (also like its predecessor, it’s factually and logically horrendous – Brown never seems to think much of his audience’s intelligence); it’s watchable, but remarkably silly (it’s hard to imagine, but the book is even more ridiculous); are we really supposed to get excited about some ambigrams? 5

The Ice Pirates

The Ice Pirates (1984) – It’s a fairly silly and incoherent pirate/Star Wars mash-up, although it does have its rare moments; watch out for the space herpes. 5

The Hill

The Hill (1965) – This is a compelling military prison power struggle with a great cast and no real heroes (or no real villains, if you want to look at it that way). 7

The Sign of the Cross

The Sign of the Cross (1932) – It’s a Quo Vadis clone that leans too heavily on a sappy love-at-first-sight story that doesn’t work at all; Laughton is a fine Nero with not enough to do and Colbert looks great; it’s racy for the day; the last thirty minutes are really something to see. 6

I Sell the Dead

I Sell the Dead (2008) – Nice try, but it just isn’t ever very interesting. 5

Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity (2007) – It starts out boring, but quickly becomes stupid and boring; it’s high time for the “found footage” genre to take a long rest. 3

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009) – A pleasant surprise: it looks great, it does an exceptional job with its relationships, and unlike so many kids’ movies, it’s never too dumb for too long. 7

Bigger Than Life

Bigger Than Life (1956) – It’s not as compelling as it wants to be, but James Mason’s descent into madness makes it worth watching. 6

Wrong Is Right

Wrong Is Right (1982) – It’s easy to see how original audiences would have found it silly, but today, this stuff is current events; yes, it’s a bit muddled at times, but this is a complex, prescient, and aware piece of filmmaking – it’s spot-on on terrorism, politics and the media. 7

Ninja Assassin

Ninja Assassin (2009) – If you're looking for story – well, you really should have known better; if you're looking for mayhem – it's here, but it's silly and boring, just like the rest of the movie. 4

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (1984) – I can’t say enough good things about it – it’s a powerful, moving film with a phenomenal score, impressive depth and a great visual style; for my money, it’s Miyazaki’s best and one of the greatest films ever made. 10

Dead Snow

Dead Snow (2009) – It’s hard to go too far wrong when you mix Nazis and zombies, but this film manages to; the bulk of the movie isn’t bad, although there’s only so much you can do with young-people-in-a-remote-cabin survival horror (and it’s all been done already); egregiously, it never comes close to getting its serious and absurd moments to play well together, which, by the end of the film, puts it squarely in the realm of bad taste; it also tends to go beyond “homage” to “annoyingly self-referential” at times. 5

Dawn of the Dead

Dawn of the Dead (1978) – This is the best zombie film ever by a wide margin, in large part because it understands better than any other that it’s not about the zombies; it’s got great suspense, action, sense of setting, character development, carnage, and a commentary on American commercialism; plus you gotta dig “The Gonk.” 8

Night of the Living Dead

Night of the Living Dead (1968) – The original zombie apocalypse film – it’s got good dialogue, but it treats its female characters shoddily; it’s still one of the most groundbreaking and influential films of all time, and to this day, it’s been surpassed in the genre only by Dawn. 7

Con Air

Con Air (1997) – The dialogue is rough, Cage's accent is annoying, and Simon West sure knows how to get wooden performances out of good actors; the great cast (not you, Cage) makes it watchable, but there's a degree of inexplicable silliness here worthy of Michael Bay; it's got a nice rock score, though. 5

Drunken Angel

Drunken Angel (1948) – The original Mifune/Kurosawa pairing is loaded with social commentary and told in a vaguely uncompelling way; maybe Kurosawa was still finding his directorial legs, but it doesn’t help that it’s a character-driven story without much character development. 6

Imitation of Life

Imitation of Life (1959) – Imitation of Imitation of Life is more like it: it’s a clumsy remake that lacks the charm, vibrancy, nuance and soul of the original; the romance is sloppily done, and most egregiously, this version disempowers the characters. 5

Manhattan Melodrama

Manhattan Melodrama (1934) – The original Powell/Loy pairing starts out with a big hunk of stinking cheese, but it’s a solid piece of drama once it gets going, with a challenging ending. 7

Rising Sun

Rising Sun (1993) – It’s a preachy, heavy-handed, sometimes-cartoony film populated with one-dimensional characters and a very predictable culprit; Connery gives it a boost, but that’s what Connery does. 5

Love Crazy

Love Crazy (1941) – Powell and Loy have great chemistry, as always; it gets a little too silly at times, but on the whole, it’s highly enjoyable; although it really isn’t trying to, it says a lot about husband-wife relationships. 7

Abe Lincoln in Illinois

Abe Lincoln in Illinois (1940) – Raymond Massey is a superior Lincoln; the film does a good job spanning such a long period of his life, and it easily overcomes its cheesiness on the power of its manifold nuance and Lincoln’s own words. 7

Murder By Decree

Murder By Decree (1979) – Plummer isn’t quite right for the role – his Holmes feels like a pastiche at times, but Mason is a good Watson; the story plods from point to point, bogged down by lengthy pieces of exposition, with next steps conveniently happening on their own; there’s precious little deduction going on here. 5

Ponyo

Ponyo (2008) – Here, Miyazaki gives us just about everything we expect from him: spectacular visuals, a nice score, profound attention to detail, and his trademark charm and childlike wonder; however, there isn’t as much story as one might hope for, and the film isn’t as immersive as most of his other works (no pun intended) – this one’s more for small children; there’s also some rather overt commentary on Japanese fathers and husbands, and why is the kid calling his mom by her first name? 6

The Happiness of the Katakuris

The Happiness of the Katakuris (2001) – Without a doubt, this is one of the most bizarre films of all time; that it’s a musical too somehow makes it slightly less weird; in the end, though, it is not unentertaining. 6

The Killer

The Killer (1989) – This is vintage ludicrous Woo from the days before “killer with a conscience” was a played-out genre; the final gunfight is one for the ages, but a little more story/character development would have been nice – it takes more than Chow Yun-Fat’s soulful expressions. 6

9

9 (2009) – The visuals are great, but there’s not so much story here that you can’t just watch the eponymous eleven-minute 2005 short and call it good; that the end is fairly poor is only a small part of the difficulty. 6

Night of the Comet

Night of the Comet (1984) – It starts out strong but labors through the last hour; aside from struggling to remain interesting, its biggest problem is that it can’t figure out if it wants to be campy or not; I guess you can only expect so much from a film where Chakotay gets top billing. 5

Public Enemies

Public Enemies (2009) – Given this film’s stars and aspirations, the script is remarkably pedestrian and debilitatingly shallow, and the end result is most unsatisfying - it's a squandered opportunity. 5

Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake

Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake (1942) – Don’t let the title fool you – this isn’t a true story (nor does it pretend to be); it’s a moderately satisfying melodramatic revenge story with the whitest Polynesians you’ve ever seen. 6