Eden Log

Eden Log (2007) – Maybe it’s not fair to call this a slow and boring Pandorum, but while the director has some good ideas, the film just doesn’t do enough – certainly not enough to involve you or make you care. 5

Monsters

Monsters (2010) – It has some great images, the leads are solid, and it’s particularly impressive given its low budget, but it doesn’t do much with a really neat premise; it’s like an indie drama that incidentally has aliens in it; at the end of the day, there’s just not enough purpose to this movie, and 90+ minutes of handycam is more than I can bear; this film also seems to have something to say about immigration, but I’m not sure what. 5

The Contract

The Contract (2006) – Don’t let the big-name leads fool you; this member of the vastly overpopulated hitman genre is a little too implausible and a little too boring: the script really doesn’t try, nor does it respect the intelligence of its audience. 4

Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell

Lone Wolf and Cub: White Heaven in Hell (#6, 1974) – Ogami Itto racks up (according to some counts) the still-standing record for individual body count (150!) in this series finale that, while it doesn’t wrap up the storyline, is generally satisfactory; it’s got some really great shots, and it’s as entertaining as any in the series, even though it’s to the next level of over-the-top-ness with missiles, ski ninjas, magical tunneling zombie guys, the James Bond baby cart/tank, the cannon sled, and other weirdness. 6

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in the Land of Demons (#5, 1973) – Ah, nobody can single-handedly kill a roomful of dudes like Ogami Itto; while the attempts at story here are pretty silly, the action is top-notch – some of the best in the series, in fact; all the Lone Wolf and Cub films use painfully dated music, but this one’s got some wacky sound effects, too. 6

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart in Peril (#4, 1972) – The opening shot gives you the feeling that this entry in the series is going to be subpar, and it is, from the fights (which don’t even pretend to be related to the story half the time) to the ridiculous leaping to the flaming swords to the jumbled script; the new director is a change for the worse, and that’s without the nauseating handicam finale. 5

The Call of Cthulhu

The Call of Cthulhu (2005) – Not only is this a faithful adaptation of the story, it’s a solid replication of 20’s-era film, too; and while Leman isn’t much for building the horror atmosphere, he’s strong on the visuals. 7

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades

Lone Wolf and Cub: Baby Cart to Hades (#3, 1972) – An increased character focus adds some nice touches and helps make up for a haphazard story; even so, this one’s not quite up to the standard of the first two; it’s got too many guns, for one thing. 6

Disturbia

Disturbia (2007) – Pacing is an issue, the plot has some holes, the script is frequently bad, and whether you like Shia LaBeouf or not (honestly, he does help), this simply isn’t a good film; but even if it were decent, there’s no reason you shouldn’t just watch Rear Window instead; after all, LaBeouf is no Jimmy Stewart, and Caruso is certainly no Hitchcock. 5

The Maze

The Maze (1953) – It’s a slow builder, but it does such a good job with the atmosphere that the ending, which ought to be ludicrous, is only somewhat silly; it’s also got fairly competent female protagonists for its day, but what’s with the scenes of the aunt speaking directly to the camera while it’s aimed a foot and a half too high? 6