THE END

Today's is, alas, the final post on this site. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed bring it to you. Thanks for reading.

Megamind

Megamind (2010) – It’s a fun premise, if not an original one, and it’s at its best when sending up Superman directly, but it gets bogged down here and there with childish antics and it doesn’t have enough substance or enough humor, and ultimately, it’s predictable and only passably satisfying (although it certainly makes one think that there would be a lot more promise in a genuinely dark exploration of its themes); why is a terrible dance routine still considered an acceptable ending for a kids’ movie? 6

The Lives of a Bengal Lancer

The Lives of a Bengal Lancer (1935) – It’s not hard to see why this imperialist melodrama was one of Hitler’s favorites, although the story is trite and the dialogue and acting (except for Franchot Tone) are subpar—man, how bad is that snake scene? 5

House of the Long Shadows

House of the Long Shadows (1983) – Desi Jr. is a really weak lead and the film absolutely crawls until the big three—all of whom are excellent—show up; things improve after that, as you’d expect, but it’s too little and too late, and it doesn’t help that the twists range from the completely obvious to the thoroughly silly. 5

Family Plot

Family Plot (1976) – Hitchcock’s final film holds the interest more or less well enough (although it’s rarely better than mildly amusing), but it’s slower than it needs to be, with no real suspense or tension; it’s also marred by some horrendous special effects and a lot of rather silly and convenient plotting. 5

Near Dark

Near Dark (1987) – With terrible dialogue and unbelievable characters, there’s really no one to care about in this sloppy plotted and near-totally uninteresting film, which has a weak-sauce resolution to boot—Paxton and Henriksen can’t come remotely close to redeeming this one. 4

Tower Heist

Tower Heist (2011) – It’s got a good cast, but it’s not funny, it’s lazily plotted, it’s disappointingly far-fetched, and, egregiously, it’s mostly boring. 4

Save the Green Planet!

Save the Green Planet! (2003) – So here’s a film with a pretty bad identity crisis: the goofy tone is all wrong for what it’s trying to do, which is mostly serious and unpleasant exploration of mental illness and torture, and while parts of it resonate, it’s slow, with a lot of silly goings-on, stereotypically dumb cops, convenient plot developments, and a last five minutes that are likely to make you roll your eyes; in short, there’s a compelling movie here trying to get out, but as it is, this is a mess. 4

Birdman

Birdman (2014) – It’s got a great performance by Keaton and some fancy camera work, but this is a pretentious, bitter, misogynistic film with way too high an opinion of itself (it very well might be the try-hardingest movie I’ve ever seen), filled with unlikable characters and on-the-nose bitchfests about Hollywood, and yet for all that it often feels not the least bit genuine. 4

Big Hero 6

Big Hero 6 (2014) – As great as the visuals are, this film is flagrantly and shamelessly derivative in nearly every way, which makes it quite predictable, and while the setup is cool, the weak script isn’t particularly interested in either its themes or its opportunities, and the end result is a near-total failure to do anything interesting. 5

John Wick

John Wick (2014) – It has some style and the action scenes are well presented, but the catalyst of the “plot” is only the first of this clichéd and tiresome film’s many eye-roll-inducing moments, which include but are not limited to some horrendous dialogue and the very feeble script. 4

A Night to Remember

A Night to Remember (1958) – The effects aren’t the greatest, but this is a powerful film, one that effectively paints a comprehensive and compelling scene in broad strokes, covering all classes, the full breadth of the tragedy, and the agony of slow death. 7

The Tale of The Princess Kaguya

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013) – With its handling of class and custom, it’s very Japanese, and the rough art style—with obvious watercolors, pencils, and more—makes for a lovely film; however, in spite of how thoughtfully it engages its parent–child theme, it’s just not that involving, and low key as it is, the film is just too long—but it’s nevertheless a pleasing experience. 6

Spirited Away

Spirited Away (2001) – Even though the integrated 3D animation hasn’t aged all that well, this is still a gorgeous film—here, Miyazaki creates a complex, extremely imaginative world, and he does an excellent job of making his protagonist feel true-to-life (although the characterizations of the rest of the cast are on the weak side), but while the film is strong on themes and symbolism, it’s short on overarching narrative and, perhaps, reasons to be. 7 

Trigun: Badlands Rumble

Trigun: Badlands Rumble (2010) – It’s got better animation than the series, although the extensive use of 3D frequently makes it feel like an extended video game cutscene (and the world is now populated by the cast of Final Fight), but otherwise, it’s really just more of the same—and this is an inconsequential story, one that doesn’t add anything to the characters or to the world. 5

Princess Mononoke

Princess Mononoke (1997) – It’s a beautiful film, and the animation is absolutely phenomenal—this may be Miyazaki’s most visually impressive work of all; it’s slow, though, and meandering, and dreamlike at times, and it feels like it’s three hours long (the environmental theme is heavy but not particularly complex), but with an engrossing setup and several amazing moments, it’s completely worthwhile, if mostly just for the spectacle. 7

The Negotiator

The Negotiator (1998) – Bolstered by all the good performances, it’s decently engaging and not too predictable, although it gets overly Hollywood (especially toward the end); hard to imagine Sam Jackson’s not going to jail at the end of this one in any case. 6

TV: Trigun

Trigun (1998) – It explores some interesting themes—eventually—and I appreciate the peace, no-killing, and Christian elements, but while the series has some decent scripts, its pacing and development is a problem, its cornball tone continually undermines its drama without adding much that’s actually funny, and it wraps up somewhat underwhelmingly. 6

Harlem Nights

Harlem Nights (1989) – You expect a lot more from a cast with this many comedy greats—Pryor is solid in a restrained performance, but Murphy is underwhelming in all facets, especially in terms of the script (which is horrendously on-the-nose and riddled with clichés) and the direction; in short, it’s just not that funny, and it doesn’t have much in the way of class going for it either. 5

Gamer

Gamer (2009) – It’s got quite a good cast, and while its cribbing from Running Man (and numerous other films) is forgivable, it’s plagued by bad writing and a lack of development; structurally, it’s a mess, and the non-stop violence is just boring; maybe all that excess would have felt like social commentary if the film wasn’t so terribly juvenile and unfocused. 3