Rain of Fire

Rain of Fire (1977) – This is a silly, cheesy, clumsy spaghetti eco-Antichrist movie (although it might have worked as an un-supernatural Kirk Douglas-goes-crazy film); Kirk would make any old mess in the seventies if he could get with a woman half his age. 4

Meteor

Meteor (1979) – It isn’t as dumb as Armageddon, but it is overwrought and factually painful; a disaster movie has absolutely got to have better effects than this. 5

Kronos

Kronos (1957) – It’s kind of cheesy, kind of boring, quite low-budget and fairly stupid; two cubes is the best monster we could come up with? 4

Entrapment

Entrapment (1999) – It’s watchable and occasionally charming, but it’s also predictable, unmemorable and slightly dumb. 5

Darby O’Gill and the Little People

Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959) – What it lacks in story it nearly makes up in charm. 6

The Wind and the Lion

The Wind and the Lion (1975) – Its biggest problem is that most of these characters aren’t very interesting, and much for that reason, juxtaposing Teddy Roosevelt (Brian Keith is perfect) and the Raisuli doesn’t really work; this is the most blatant non-accent of Connery’s career up to Hunt for Red October. 5

Hardware

Hardware (1990) – Given the impressive degree of world-building this film does, it’s a shame it doesn’t have anything more interesting to do than crib from Terminator; Stanley’s uneven direction is strong on ambience but weak on suspense and action, and the unnecessarily explicit violence does nothing for the film. 5

Ong Bak 2

Ong Bak 2 (2008) – It’s a poorly edited, jumbled mess; in his previous films, Tony Jaa was about the most entertaining martial artist around, but this one just doesn’t have enough good fights. 5

Groom Lake

Groom Lake (2002) – It’s poorly written, poorly directed and painfully low budget (what the heck was this shot on?); Shatner should not be allowed behind a camera again. 3