Troll 2

Troll 2 (1990) – Not only is it completely unrelated to the first one, it doesn’t have any trolls in it; but none of this matters, because with the bad acting, brutal dialogue and saturation of goofiness, it’s amazingly, mesmerizingly, suspensefully bad – pitiable, even (and that’s before it overcomes evil by the power of processed meats). 2

Troll

Troll (1986) – It has its moments as well as some nice little puppets and not one but two Harry Potters; that said, it’s not a good film – it has a hard time balancing its lighter and darker elements (the silly supporting characters don’t help), and the production quality and tone make it feel like a sitcom; the little girl, at least, seems to be having a great time. 5

The Tournament

The Tournament (2009) – It’s a fun idea, and it’s got some very nice action, but the Robert Carlyle priest storyline is dumb – it tries and fails to move the film from the realm of the absurd (there’s no way half these fools are “top assassins”) to the realistic. 6

Cypher

Cypher (2002) – Northam is pretty good in this tightly directed film that is always suspenseful if not always compelling or plausible. 6

Hardwired

Hardwired (2009) – Cuba Gooding, Jr. gets turned into some kind of video game character as he continues his unprecedented slide away from quality filmmaking; the idea’s not terrible, but they went about it all wrong – the setup for the story doesn’t make any sense at all, and it’s a little hard to take seriously; fat Val Kilmer’s horrific hair may come as a surprise after you see the ten-year-old picture of him they used on the DVD cover. 5

Crossroads

Crossroads (1942) – It’s a good but not great mystery that has some solid performances and keeps the suspense throughout, although Powell’s character doesn’t always handle things the best, and the ending is maybe a little too tidy. 6

Afro Samurai: Resurrection

Afro Samurai: Resurrection (2009) – It’s got great animation, but since it brings absolutely nothing new to the table, it seems to feel it has to be more over-the-top than ever; Afro Samurai isn’t the slightest bit sympathetic here, and the film, which is inferior to the original in nearly every way, is slow, tiresome, and predictable to the point of being unentertaining. 5

Eden Log

Eden Log (2007) – Maybe it’s not fair to call this a slow and boring Pandorum, but while the director has some good ideas, the film just doesn’t do enough – certainly not enough to involve you or make you care. 5

Monsters

Monsters (2010) – It has some great images, the leads are solid, and it’s particularly impressive given its low budget, but it doesn’t do much with a really neat premise; it’s like an indie drama that incidentally has aliens in it; at the end of the day, there’s just not enough purpose to this movie, and 90+ minutes of handycam is more than I can bear; this film also seems to have something to say about immigration, but I’m not sure what. 5