Australia

Australia (2008) – Disastrously cartoony and poorly written with loads of bad green screen. 4

Annie

Annie (1999) – An adequate abbreviated adaptation of a musical that couldn’t be more predictable and that, except for its two famous songs, features little in the way of interesting music. 5

David

David (1997) – The story is incredibly strong, but the film is disjointed (three hours just isn’t enough), pays little attention to detail, and has the worst battle scenes ever; Pryce is good and Nimoy is great (as a proto-Gandalf), but there are two hours remaining after they leave; the film completely screws up both Goliath and Bathsheba. 5

Storm of the Century

Storm of the Century (1999) – This is King at his most generic; it’s reminiscent of Needful Things and a half-dozen other works, but this is an overlong, unpleasant, unsuspenseful film with almost no story; it’s “Croatoan,” not “Croaton” – read a book. 4

Tideland

Tideland (2005) – The girl does a good job, but the film plods through the increasingly macabre and perverse to no good purpose; you shouldn’t have to beg for understanding from your audience, as Gilliam does before this film. 3

Doomsday

Doomsday (2008) – A mindless, astonishingly terrible mash-up of post-apocalyptic zombies, off-brand cannibal Mad Max villains, medieval warriors and more; cut-and-paste plagiarism is not homage. 3

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006) – It really looks like it was shot in the 60s, and Dujardin is reminiscent of a young Connery, but the whole thing is somewhat painful. 4

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Bigger, louder, dumber. 5

The Bushido Blade

The Bushido Blade (1981) – There are some iconic actors here, but it’s poorly done to an embarrassing degree on almost every level. 4