1941

1941 (1979) – It’s got a magnificent cast, a lot of very lame gags, a bunch of uninteresting storylines, and some truly poor work from Spielberg. 4

Micmacs

Micmacs (2009) – This satire on the arms trade is saturated with Jeunet’s trademark style, creativity and charm, but it’s also over the line into the absurd and cartoony. 6

Sukiyaki Western Django

Sukiyaki Western Django (2007) – This mash-up of Westerns and Kurosawa’s jidaigeki films apes rather than emulates its forebears; it looks good, but it has Tarantino’s stink all over it and the “humor” is painful; not that this film is awful, but it really has no reason for existing. 5

Six-String Samurai

Six-String Samurai (1998) – It’s got some style – enough, in fact, that it doesn’t seem to think it needs any story at all – and while it has more in common with the Japanese swordmaster genre, the Fallout crowd will definitely want to give it a look. 6

Miracle on 34th Street

Miracle on 34^th Street (1947) – Edmund Gwenn is perfect in this incontrovertible classic that features perhaps the greatest courtroom scene ever. 7

I, Monster

I, Monster (1971) – This Freudian take on the Jekyll/Hyde story puts a bit of a new spin on the old material, but it’s not enough to make it fresh; at least Christopher Lee seems to be having a good time. 5

Predators

Predators (2010) – Adrien Brody is surprisingly effective in this fairly predictable but perfectly adequate (if forgettable) film that relies a bit too heavily on the original. 6

Agora

Agora (2009) – Rachel Weisz does a good job in this otherwise bland “historical” drama that depicts Christians as a bunch of murderous, ignorant fanatics. 4

F/X2

F/X2 (1991) – Again, the story’s pretty thin, but the special effects and non-lethal tricks are neat even if they aren’t all particularly realistic (which I thought was the point) – in the end, it’s entertaining, barely, although it’s hard to imagine the main character wouldn’t be in prison after the first one. 6

F/X

F/X (1986) – This is a nice little action “thriller,” even if the story is fairly weak; holy crap, there’s Gordon from Sesame Street! 6

Despicable Me

Despicable Me (2010) – It follows a worn-out chick-flick formula and most of its jokes are aimed squarely at tiny children, and while it’s occasionally funny, it’s too often annoying; the worst part is it easily could have been much better; Steve Carell’s dodgy accent is all over Europe. 5

Robin Hood

Robin Hood (2010) – It’s decent enough, but the thin, spiritless story is completely unremarkable and not the slightest bit epic; maybe it’s finally time to lower our expectations of Ridley Scott. 6

The A-Team

The A-Team (2010) – It manages to be mostly entertaining while not ever being the slightest bit intelligent; the 80’s sensibilities combined with the modern effects might make this the most ridiculous movie ever that didn’t have Michael Bay’s name on it; Patrick Wilson is a highlight. 5

The Expendables

The Expendables (2010) – The large roster of action stars is impressive (not you, Statham), but the film, in both the action and the “story,” couldn’t be more generic; the undisputed star of the movie is Terry Crews’ magical shotgun. 5

The Other Guys

The Other Guys (2010) – Despite a great cast, this is a shockingly unfunny buddy cop parody; for some inexplicable reason, it also thinks it has something serious to say about investment fraud. 4

Role Models

Role Models (2008) – The characters are all jerks and weirdoes, and it isn’t funny at all; movies like this are why you should always stay on top of your Netflix queue. 4

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) – Richard Pryor is usually a very funny guy – here, his voices, sound effects and faces are great, but too many of these jokes are lacking. 5

Dieppe

Dieppe (1993) – It’s nice to see Victor Garber in a prominent role, but this whole business is much too slow and boring – it should been a movie, not a miniseries. 5

Babies

Babies (2010) – It’s reasonably entertaining to compare and contrast the lifestyles and antics of babies around the world, but this film is content to keep things simple and superficial. 6

Scourge of Worlds: A Dungeons & Dragons Adventure

Scourge of Worlds: A Dungeons & Dragons Adventure (2003) – Part movie, part game, this film version of the classic D&D Endless Quest books has subpar graphics but a nice story and entertaining if cookie-cutter characters; it makes a great rental since it’s good for about a half-dozen plays. 7

Timecrimes

Timecrimes (2007) – This conceptually-neat tale of a buffoon who’s obviously never watched a time-travel movie in his life or heard of causality, and who’s alarmingly quick to embrace psychotic/masochistic tendencies (depending on how you want to look at it), teaches us the dangers of multiplying idiots; like all time-travel movies, the logic of this one breaks down under scrutiny, but it’s an impressive debut for Vigalondo. 6

The Terminal Man

The Terminal Man (1974) – It takes too long to develop, it glosses over its key themes for too long, it absolutely crawls, and it has no real payoff. 4

The Lathe of Heaven

The Lathe of Heaven (1980) – It’s a satisfyingly immersive and thoughtful look at the responsibilities and ethics of playing God; the dated seventies styles actually work in the film’s favor. 7

Mad Max

Mad Max (1979) – Sure, it’s a little bit melodramatic, but the time the film spends on both the good guys and bad guys makes the danger real and personal, and it gives the story genuine suspense; it’s also got some very nice car chases/crashes. 7

The Secret of Kells

The Secret of Kells (2009) – Despite the Cartoon Network-style animation, the visuals are a spectacular plus, but the story is an equally great minus: there’s very little actual conflict, and these themes have all been done before, ad nauseum; plus it’s remarkable that even though nearly every character is a monk, there’s zero mention of Christianity (the film seems to go out of its way), but plenty of pre-Christian Irish mythology. 5

Phase IV

Phase IV (1974) – This one-of-a-kind film is genuinely creepy – the ant footage is fantastic; I think something like this is going on in my house. 7

Knowing

Knowing (2009) – If you can get past the inherent silliness (something of a staple for Nic Cage recently), it’s pretty entertaining, although it never really figures out what it wants to say teleologically; the last ten minutes are particularly messy, both  narratively and theologically. 6

Iron Man 2

Iron Man 2 (2010) – It’s decent enough, I guess, but the script is bloated and cartoony and the fight scenes are woefully unimpressive, and for a superhero movie, the conflict is remarkably low-stakes; I never thought Sam Rockwell could be tiresome, but he certainly is here. 6

Yesterday Was a Lie

Yesterday Was a Lie (2008) – It’s obviously super low budget; even so, the noir is good looking (but man, take it easy with those fog machines), although it can’t make up its mind what decade it’s in; the sci-fi, meanwhile, is ridiculous nonsense; it’s impossible to take Kipleigh Brown seriously as an actress here, especially in that stupid hat. 3

Incident at Loch Ness

Incident at Loch Ness (2004) – If you know going in what this film really is, it’s extremely boring (and it’s probably fairly boring otherwise), unless perhaps you’re into the whole film-within-a-film-within-a-film bit. 5

Gaslight

Gaslight (1944) – It does a fine job of creating an emotionally smothering, claustrophobic atmosphere, although the entire business is rather apparent from the beginning; one could easily cite a number of plot holes. 6

The Valley of Gwangi

The Valley of Gwangi (1969) – This is a King Kong/Lost World mash-up, only it’s in Mexico; ’twas a feeble dinosaur indeed so easily subdued with lassos and pointy sticks; this film’s only highlight is Harryhausen’s always-superb stop-motion animation. 5

The Deadly Mantis

The Deadly Mantis (1957) – Huzzah for the Ground Observer Corps; otherwise, we’ve been there, done that; the only suspense with B monster movies like this one is how they’ll kill the creature in the last five minutes. 5

Rudy

Rudy (1993) – This heartwarming and inspirational film chronicles Samwise Gamgee’s attempts to make Notre Dame’s football team and get into a game; this is an all-time cheesefest king of contrived and predictable goings-on, and features some astoundingly stilted dialogue. 5

Astropia

Astropia (2007) – It’s a nice idea and a good effort, but the fantasy-world RPG/LARP element doesn’t really work, especially at the end (the film is also not very funny, unless, perhaps, you’re Icelandic); drop the prison storyline, focus on the girl, and you’ve got a significantly better film. 5

Date Night

Date Night (2010) – It doesn’t ever care to be particularly realistic, and it has the occasional false step, but on the whole it’s extremely funny, particularly if you’re married and have kids. 7

Southland Tales

Southland Tales (2006) – I really wanted to like this one, but it’s a big disappointment; it’s got a quality, socially-relevant premise and a solid cast, but without hundreds of pages of evidently-mandatory graphic novel prequel reading (don’t start us on Episode IV, Kelly; this isn’t Star Wars), it’s a scattered mess – Kelly’s ideas are just too broad – develop a book or TV series next time, Kelly, and remember that a puzzle needs to be fun to put together. 5

What Lies Beneath

What Lies Beneath (2000) – It’s well-directed, mostly, and Michelle Pfeiffer does a good job, but man, the script is dumb. 5

The Illustrated Man

The Illustrated Man (1969) – Only half of this Bradbury anthology’s stories are interesting (that’s the director’s fault), although they’re all too long, and they don’t play well together (that’s the writer’s fault); Steiger’s ranting and raving wear thin before the movie’s half over. 5

First Man into Space

First Man into Space (1959) – What begins as though it might become a moderately interesting look at rocketry and the early space program evolves into a slightly thoughtful but very silly monster movie. 5

The International

The International (2009) – Because high-power international banking is above so many of us, and because this film’s villains are largely faceless (although that’s kind of the point), it manages to be insidious without being interesting; it doesn’t help that the entire plot turns on a “how convenient” moment; it’s got a couple of nice real-life set pieces, though. 5

Countdown

Countdown (1968) – It’s a decent, fairly intense Cold War race-to-the-moon film with good performances and an ending that’s a little too Hollywood. 6

The Leech Woman

The Leech Woman (1960) – The lame title is a big spoiler, but this film is well acted, and its personal focus separates it from others of its ilk. 6

The Road

The Road (2009) – It looks pretty good, but whereas the book was, at least, thoughtfully depressing, this is mostly just depressing – it’s got only snatches of the book’s soul. 6

Transsiberian

Transsiberian (2008) – Clueless, boring characters spouting trite dialogue fail to get, never mind hold, the interest, particularly since every problem created in this movie is due to self-inflicted stupidity; Brad Anderson doesn’t seem to have much respect for his audience’s intelligence, either. 3

The New Daughter

The New Daughter (2009) – The awful, horror-hodgepodge, worse-than-amateurish screenplay makes this film unpleasant in an annoying way; hey, at least it’s not Kevin Costner’s fault (although his character is a moron). 4

The Land Unknown

The Land Unknown (1957) – This is little more than a lame Lost World clone. 4

The Monolith Monsters

The Monolith Monsters (1957) – Ah, fifties “science” fiction; it’s got a unique concept and, scientific liberties aside, it’s fairly well done; it seems to beg for a sequel (or at least a massive cleanup operation). 6

The Box

The Box (2009) – Involving and increasingly bizarre, it isn’t about what you think it’s about – suffice it to say that it evolves into a reasonably satisfying but somewhat depressing piece of sci-fi. 6

Monster on the Campus

Monster on the Campus (1958) – Because sometimes only the most ludicrous of the preposterous Wolf Man rip-offs will do. 4