The Longshots

The Longshots (2008) – Here’s yet another predictable, clichéd sports movie; this one is sappy, but well-intentioned and watchable; Fred Durst does not impress as a director. 5

The Lion King

The Lion King (1994) – Lacking only a more developed story, the great songs, smart Shakespeare-lite script, and brilliant color palette place this film in the ranks of Disney’s greats (let’s set aside to what extent it rips off Kimba the White Lion); since it came out, Disney hasn’t made a better cartoon. 7

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (2011) – Yates creates an excellent visual style and strikes an emotionally weighty balance between action and story; the script smoothes out many of the book’s flaws; except for some bits of cheese in the final act, this is about as good an adaptation as could have been asked for. 7

The Lost Future

The Lost Future (2010) – The post-apocalyptic cavemen and  zombie orc pestilence make for a neat concept that starts well, drags a bit here and there, and ends a little tidily; it’s entertaining enough, though, largely for what it hints at, and most of the acting is decent; as SyFy original movies go, you could do a whole lot worse. 6

Master of the Flying Guillotine

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) – This is an absolutely bananas martial arts fantasy with a good variety of weapons and styles ranging from the realistic to the fantastical (including, for example, the inspiration for Street Fighter’s Dhalsim – heck, it’s probably inspired every fighting game ever made to one degree or another); it’s got some great choreography, too, even it if isn’t always well executed. 7

Commando

Commando (1985) – With its many cheesy (yet humorous) one-liners, the absurd villain with the crocheted “chain mail” vest, the astronomical body count, and the near-constant ridiculousness (reloading is for sissies anyhow), this film is at the pinnacle of its ludicrous 80’s genre, but it’s also one of the most purely entertaining action movies ever; it’s got kind of an interesting steel drum score going for it, too. 7

Total Recall

Total Recall (1990) – This is an intelligent piece of multiple-interpretation science fiction with a good script, good pacing, and good action; there’s a little silliness in the last twenty minutes, but it’s nothing unforgivable. 7

House of Traps

House of Traps (1982) – Yes, it’s comic booky and the costumes are ludicrous, but it’s got decent intrigue and some solid kung fu action, and Philip Kwok is the highlight of a host of colorful characters; so…the guards stay in those closets all day, or what? 6

Super 8

Super 8 (2011) – It has Spielberg’s fondness for adolescence and it has some atmosphere, but it has trouble establishing its own identity: it’s derivative of too many other works, Spielberg’s and otherwise; it wants to be Stand by Me and a sci-fi thriller at the same time, but doesn’t manage to be either, and as a result, it’s never very compelling; it’s more interested in exploring emotions than telling a story, and the ending is particularly flat; the train wreck at the beginning is overdone to a Michael Bayan degree. 6

Conan the Barbarian

Conan the Barbarian (2011) – This is a good looking film that starts off well, and it has all the blood and guts and bare bosoms you’d expect, plus some visceral energy (but why is Morgan Freeman the narrator?); it even has some flashes of brilliance, but as many or more flashes of terribleness; moreover, the dreadful dialogue, clichéd script, and utter lack of a cohesive narrative make it inexcusably generic. 5  

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011) – This one takes the silliness up a good notch from its predecessors, and what little story there is is just a MacGuffin quest from one loud action sequence to the next; nevertheless, it’s passably entertaining on the sheer force of its presentation (it does have great effects) and the zany antics of its characters (Rush is really chewing the scenery here), although these latter are wearing a bit thin; Bloom and Knightley are not missed at all. 6

Green Lantern

Green Lantern (2011) – It’s so over-reliant on CGI it might as well have been a cartoon, but it’s well directed, and the Green Lantern ring and Corps are such solid concepts that the movie is enjoyable for their sakes; the cosmic setting is a breath of fresh air as well; with a creative script and a more compelling story we might really have had something. 6

Bunraku

Bunraku (2010) – The papercraft set design is an impressive and stylish highlight; unfortunately, the rest of this overlong, Afro Samurai-emulating film is little more than a string of cool but tedious fights strung together against a paper-thin backdrop of worn-out story elements. 5

The Petrified Forest

The Petrified Forest (1936) – This is a well-acted film notable for Humphrey Bogart’s breakthrough performance, but it’s marred by poor external set design, goofy supporting characters, general sappiness, and a great deal of stilted dialogue that hasn’t translated well from the stage (although there are some clever one-liners). 6

Captain America: The First Avenger

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) – While this entry in the increasingly oversaturated superhero genre occasionally gets a little too absurd, the cast, characters, and setting make it thoroughly enjoyable (it does a good job capturing the spirit of the period), and it’s refreshing to see a compelling non-Joker villain in a superhero movie (for the first half of the film, anyway) – it’s been awhile. 7

Tron: Legacy

Tron: Legacy (2010) – The good score and excellent visual style go a long way toward overcoming what is too often a lazy, silly (but impressively dark) script; the whole thing is swimming with untapped potential and references to greater works. 6

Tron

Tron (1982) – It has a distinct, fantastic visual style that, once ground-breaking, has now become vintage; unfortunately, there’s just not enough going on in the story; the film’s attempts to draw parallels between a computer and society are interesting but under-developed. 6

How to Train Your Dragon

How to Train Your Dragon (2010) – Yes, the story is formula as can be and the Vikings have, inexplicably, American and Scottish accents, but this is a good looking, well directed film (with quite possibly the best CGI hair to date), and the world is absorbing (and the dragon endearing). 6

X-Men: First Class

X-Men: First Class (2011) – It’s a well done film, excepting some dialogue and the silly flying characters, and it has a nice score, but as the fifth X-Men film, it can’t help but be somewhat been-there-done-that, and it’s predictable even to those with only a cursory X-Men familiarity; it also feels a tad shallow despite its efforts. 6

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) – While it isn’t as overtly dumb as the second one (don’t worry, it’s still dumb), it’s more juvenile: it’s got an incoherent “story,” silly dialogue, a new cheesecake love interest who can’t act, and a cast full of human cartoon characters; the highlights, as always, are the score and Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime. 5

13 Assassins

13 Assassins (2010) – The first hour is all setup, and the second is all unrelenting and tedious swordplay; given this and its similarities to The Seven Samurai, although 13 Assassins is well done, it doesn’t do enough to make itself stand out in the crowded jidaigeki genre. 6

Nighthawks

Nighthawks (1981) – While this is certainly a film of eighties coolness and badassery, it could easily have been made better with an intelligent story and some character focus; Rutger Hauer, nearly unrecognizable in the first act, is a highlight in his American debut. 6

Hobo with a Shotgun

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011) – Does what it says on the box; it wants to be over the top, and it is, completely (it seems little concerned with anything else); actually, Rutger Hauer is quite good here, the use of oversaturated color effectively makes the film look vintage, and it’s occasionally even funny. 6

Thor

Thor (2011) – It’s fancy looking but barely entertaining and ultimately forgettable, as it’s filled with bland CGI action, a been-there-done-that story that kept reminding me of Superman II, lame villains, and a pretty weak, shallow, and lazy script (which did have a few decent jokes pasted in); Kenneth Branagh certainly helps, though, and Chris Hemsworth is a solid Thor. 6

Auntie Mame

Auntie Mame (1958) – Rosalind Russell is a force of nature in this film, which has some surprisingly cutting social commentary for its day but is neither as funny nor as touching as it thinks it is (or ought to be). 6

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time

The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (2006) – That this cute and cutesy butterfly effect-style film is so engaging given its mostly frivolous subject matter is a credit to its director; it’s very good looking, too; it’s got the type of plot hole you take for granted in a time travel movie, but in this case you can hardly hold that against it. 6

Blood Tide

Blood Tide (1982) – It’s by-the-numbers, but it has a nice setting and it feels a little Lovecraftian; James Earl Jones is good, but the movie is just too boring with not enough payoff. 5

The Terror of the Tongs

The Terror of the Tongs (1961) – This is a better-looking and sillier Chinese version of The Stranglers of Bombay; the use of dressed-up whites for nearly every Chinese character (including Christopher Lee as a quasi-Fu Manchu), although common for the period, is unforgivably egregious and damaging here. 5

The Stranglers of Bombay

The Stranglers of Bombay (1959) – Although the script takes all the shortcuts you’d expect, this is a surprisingly solid and impressively un-silly historically-rooted film; one wonders whether it didn’t influence Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to some extent. 6

The Atomic Cafe

The Atomic Cafe (1982) – Presented for your amusement is a collection of clips that haven’t aged well (which is the point); it’s an interesting collection of footage with some striking images, but the film’s presentation lacks punch; all this to say that the atomic bomb is bad, and that it’s been handled ignorantly, irresponsibly, and dishonestly – odds are you know all that if you’re going to “get” this film (unless you’ve been living in a fallout shelter all your life). 6

Culloden

Culloden (1964) – This modern-style “news coverage” documentary of a 200-year-old battle is a neat idea, and it’s interesting because of how disastrous the battle was (a truly mesmerizing combination of pride and incompetence) – it’s like watching an 18^th century trainwreck; the film isn’t as strong from a visual perspective, though, as it’s mostly a bunch of people alternately standing still and falling down, and it often lacks the visceral emotion you might expect; if you aren’t familiar with the battle, you may want to read up before watching. 6

The War Game

The War Game (1965) – This is a well-done, concise, unflinching look at the ramifications of nuclear war and the collapse of civilized society in Cold War Britain – it does a great job of being simultaneously engaging and educational; eagle-eyed viewers will spot Brian Cox. 7

Ironclad

Ironclad (2011) – It has some good visceral energy, a ton of gory but lackluster fighting marred by incessant handycam, and an annoying and obvious romantic subplot typical of these vaguely historical, overly-Hollywoodized films; English has a good eye for a shot, but not so much for continuity or choreography. 6

TV: Robot Chicken - Star Wars Episode III

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode III (2010) – It’s amusing, if rarely funny; it feels pretty scattershot and lacks much of the cleverness of the first two; on the whole, it’s something of a disappointment. 6

Unknown

Unknown (2011) – Quite reminiscent of Frantic, this film takes an awful lot of contrivance to make it go, and when it does, it’s mysterious but not suspenseful (and occasionally dumb); Liam Neeson and Bruno Ganz keep it from being completely forgettable. 6

Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch (2011) - Calling this a bigger, crappier Black Death (even if true) isn’t fair to either film; they do different things and have different problems; here, these include the lighting, the writing, and Nicholas Cage; on the whole, though, it’s a passable (barely) but silly and forgettable adventure movie with some solid horror visuals; Ron Perlman helps quite a bit. 6  

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog (2008) – The songs, on the whole, are considerably better than expected; mostly cheesy, this film seems content not to do a whole lot until well into the final act, which is interesting if for no other reason than that it abruptly decides it doesn’t want to be cutesy anymore (a questionable move); this will certainly appeal to the “Fillion is super-cool” and “NPH is super-cool” crowds. 6

Amazon Women on the Moon

Amazon Women on the Moon (1987) – When a movie tries to be “bad” on purpose, it will invariably succeed in one way or another; this one, with its spastic structure and so many obvious gags, is tiresome more than anything else (especially than funny); David Alan Grier and Ed Begley, Jr. are the scant highlights (that’s only about five minutes worth; you could just look those clips up on Youtube – heck, let me do it for you). 5

Faster

Faster (2010) – Dwayne Johnson glares his way through this gritty film that so obviously wants to be The Good, the Bad and the Ugly that it throws in a massive and unnecessary (and unsuccessful) attempt to make the hitman sympathetic; it doesn’t mind at all dusting off the old “cop about to retire” trope; the scene with the Evangelist is fantastic; it’s always nice to see Lester Speight. 6

Black Death

Black Death (2010) – Grim throughout, it’s slow starting but builds to a genuinely suspenseful final act; for all its visceral horror and good atmosphere, though, it fails to fully engage the emotions or endear Osmund to the audience, perhaps because it’s trying so hard not to take sides. 6

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010) – The style you know about already; the worst part of this spastic film isn’t the boring fight scenes or the awful one-liners or the juvenile hipster fantasy randomness – it’s that Michael Cera’s character is completely annoying; heck, I thought his Chinese high school girlfriend was nice. 5

Red

Red (2010) – It’s dumb, ridiculous, and over-the-top, and it good and well knows it – it’s also completely entertaining, and what a fantastic cast; this is one of the better disposable action blockbusters in recent memory. 6

Free Enterprise

Free Enterprise (1998) – Most of the geekery jokes are pretty obvious, and there’s a painful abundance of film references in the overly-contrived dialogue; the highlight of the film is Shatner playing “himself” with surprising depth, but ultimately, there’s not enough going on here of interest. 5

True Grit

True Grit (2010) – The Coens rely on straightforward storytelling and don’t try to get cute for a change, and it’s all to the good; it’s got a nice score with a great use of “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms,” and Hailee Steinfeld is impressive – in all, a solid, entertaining film. 7

XIII: The Conspiracy

XIII: The Conspiracy (2008) – Oh, the dialogue (the script is no world-beater either); if you want an uncompelling movie about an amnesiac super spy/ninja, you should probably go with Bourne. 5

Skyline

Skyline (2010) – It’s got some solid effects, but with a cast of annoying characters and grossly inadequate storytelling, it doesn’t manage to do anything interesting or creative until the last five minutes. 5

The Return of the Living Dead

The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – It’s obviously been quite influential on the genre, as it originates fast zombies and the whole “brains” schtick; it’s also got some good creatures and some nice moments, but I guess when you have a cast of overacted buffoons behaving hysterically you call it a “horror/comedy” – but this one doesn’t succeed as either – it's just a little too dumb. 5

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010) – Taken for what it is, the film is solid and somewhat charming, although countless changes have been made to the story, small and large, additions and subtractions – much of plot restructuring is logical, but most of the changes either do not benefit the story or are to its detriment, and nearly all are annoying to those of us who love the novel; the source material carries it, though, and the unequivocal highlight of the film is Will Poulter as Eustace. 6

The Brave Little Toaster

The Brave Little Toaster (1987) – What a bizarre amalgamation of the usual children’s movie tropes and sad, serious, even grim themes – on the one hand you’ve got all the lame little kid jokes and pop culture references you expect, and on the other you’ve got the creepy suicidal air conditioner and the creepy clown firefighter and the very creepy song where the cars die as they sing; there’s not a lot to the story otherwise, though, and it’s a pretty slow starter; oh, and Tony the Tiger is the vacuum cleaner. 6

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010) – This adaptation is generally fine, although the film was shot overly and pretentiously dark; the problem is that this is the boring half of the worst book in the series, filled with moping, bickering, camping, farting around, and a painful amount of deus ex machina; here it is underscored yet again that the real star of both the films and the novels is Hogwarts. 6