The One-Armed Swordsman

The One-Armed Swordsman (1967) – In spite of some deliberate efforts at storytelling and character development, the effects, action, and plot are too cartoony to take seriously (but never cartoony enough to stand out in any way); half the movie is the same fight over and over, and it’s just not that interesting. 5

Attack the Block

Attack the Block (2011) – Despite the billing, it’s not funny, and it’s not suspenseful – the threat level actually seems pretty low for the sensible – not that you ever care whether any of these thugs die; furthermore, the redemptive arc, like a number of other parts of the movie (including the ending) rings rather false; the monsters are kind of cool, though. 5

Super Mario Bros.

Super Mario Bros. (1993) – The original game-to-movie adaptation has the brain-damaged script you’d expect, and then some, plus a dark visual style that’s ill-suited for its target audience and bears no real resemblance to the games; throw in an utter lack of cinematic purpose or ambition, and the end product is both muddling and painfully stupid. 3

Street of Crocodiles

Street of Crocodiles (1986) – With a decayed and desolate atmosphere, haunting stop-motion visuals, and inscrutable metaphor, this is a mesmerizing surrealist masterpiece – if that’s your thing; if it’s not, then this is the weird, incoherent hodgepodge that inspired all those creepy Tool videos. 7

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012) – It’s immersive and very satisfactory even with a bunch of dodgy CGI (and it’s all CGI); it’s bloated with cameos, flashbacks, and periphery, yet it only falls flat here and there (and I don’t suppose they could have called it The Hobbit Plus All Tolkien’s Notes and Appendices); in the end, it’s all to the good, as these are probably the last Tolkien films we’re going to get barring a needless remake or Jackson doing The Silmarillion: Parts 1-100. 7

Airplane II: The Sequel

Airplane II: The Sequel – It’s all over the place, and it’s certainly no Airplane!, but it moves briskly enough that it’s perfectly watchable; Shatner is a big highlight. 6

Wreck-It Ralph

Wreck-It Ralph (2012) – It looks great and it’s frequently very clever, but it’s a lot more interested in teaching lessons, formula-style, and being PC than making the most of its potential; and since freaking when is Zangief a bad guy? 6