THE END

Today's is, alas, the final post on this site. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed bring it to you. Thanks for reading.

Megamind

Megamind (2010) – It’s a fun premise, if not an original one, and it’s at its best when sending up Superman directly, but it gets bogged down here and there with childish antics and it doesn’t have enough substance or enough humor, and ultimately, it’s predictable and only passably satisfying (although it certainly makes one think that there would be a lot more promise in a genuinely dark exploration of its themes); why is a terrible dance routine still considered an acceptable ending for a kids’ movie? 6

The Lives of a Bengal Lancer

The Lives of a Bengal Lancer (1935) – It’s not hard to see why this imperialist melodrama was one of Hitler’s favorites, although the story is trite and the dialogue and acting (except for Franchot Tone) are subpar—man, how bad is that snake scene? 5

House of the Long Shadows

House of the Long Shadows (1983) – Desi Jr. is a really weak lead and the film absolutely crawls until the big three—all of whom are excellent—show up; things improve after that, as you’d expect, but it’s too little and too late, and it doesn’t help that the twists range from the completely obvious to the thoroughly silly. 5

Family Plot

Family Plot (1976) – Hitchcock’s final film holds the interest more or less well enough (although it’s rarely better than mildly amusing), but it’s slower than it needs to be, with no real suspense or tension; it’s also marred by some horrendous special effects and a lot of rather silly and convenient plotting. 5

Near Dark

Near Dark (1987) – With terrible dialogue and unbelievable characters, there’s really no one to care about in this sloppy plotted and near-totally uninteresting film, which has a weak-sauce resolution to boot—Paxton and Henriksen can’t come remotely close to redeeming this one. 4

Tower Heist

Tower Heist (2011) – It’s got a good cast, but it’s not funny, it’s lazily plotted, it’s disappointingly far-fetched, and, egregiously, it’s mostly boring. 4

Save the Green Planet!

Save the Green Planet! (2003) – So here’s a film with a pretty bad identity crisis: the goofy tone is all wrong for what it’s trying to do, which is mostly serious and unpleasant exploration of mental illness and torture, and while parts of it resonate, it’s slow, with a lot of silly goings-on, stereotypically dumb cops, convenient plot developments, and a last five minutes that are likely to make you roll your eyes; in short, there’s a compelling movie here trying to get out, but as it is, this is a mess. 4

Birdman

Birdman (2014) – It’s got a great performance by Keaton and some fancy camera work, but this is a pretentious, bitter, misogynistic film with way too high an opinion of itself (it very well might be the try-hardingest movie I’ve ever seen), filled with unlikable characters and on-the-nose bitchfests about Hollywood, and yet for all that it often feels not the least bit genuine. 4

Big Hero 6

Big Hero 6 (2014) – As great as the visuals are, this film is flagrantly and shamelessly derivative in nearly every way, which makes it quite predictable, and while the setup is cool, the weak script isn’t particularly interested in either its themes or its opportunities, and the end result is a near-total failure to do anything interesting. 5

John Wick

John Wick (2014) – It has some style and the action scenes are well presented, but the catalyst of the “plot” is only the first of this clichéd and tiresome film’s many eye-roll-inducing moments, which include but are not limited to some horrendous dialogue and the very feeble script. 4

A Night to Remember

A Night to Remember (1958) – The effects aren’t the greatest, but this is a powerful film, one that effectively paints a comprehensive and compelling scene in broad strokes, covering all classes, the full breadth of the tragedy, and the agony of slow death. 7

The Tale of The Princess Kaguya

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya (2013) – With its handling of class and custom, it’s very Japanese, and the rough art style—with obvious watercolors, pencils, and more—makes for a lovely film; however, in spite of how thoughtfully it engages its parent–child theme, it’s just not that involving, and low key as it is, the film is just too long—but it’s nevertheless a pleasing experience. 6

Spirited Away

Spirited Away (2001) – Even though the integrated 3D animation hasn’t aged all that well, this is still a gorgeous film—here, Miyazaki creates a complex, extremely imaginative world, and he does an excellent job of making his protagonist feel true-to-life (although the characterizations of the rest of the cast are on the weak side), but while the film is strong on themes and symbolism, it’s short on overarching narrative and, perhaps, reasons to be. 7 

Trigun: Badlands Rumble

Trigun: Badlands Rumble (2010) – It’s got better animation than the series, although the extensive use of 3D frequently makes it feel like an extended video game cutscene (and the world is now populated by the cast of Final Fight), but otherwise, it’s really just more of the same—and this is an inconsequential story, one that doesn’t add anything to the characters or to the world. 5

Princess Mononoke

Princess Mononoke (1997) – It’s a beautiful film, and the animation is absolutely phenomenal—this may be Miyazaki’s most visually impressive work of all; it’s slow, though, and meandering, and dreamlike at times, and it feels like it’s three hours long (the environmental theme is heavy but not particularly complex), but with an engrossing setup and several amazing moments, it’s completely worthwhile, if mostly just for the spectacle. 7

The Negotiator

The Negotiator (1998) – Bolstered by all the good performances, it’s decently engaging and not too predictable, although it gets overly Hollywood (especially toward the end); hard to imagine Sam Jackson’s not going to jail at the end of this one in any case. 6

TV: Trigun

Trigun (1998) – It explores some interesting themes—eventually—and I appreciate the peace, no-killing, and Christian elements, but while the series has some decent scripts, its pacing and development is a problem, its cornball tone continually undermines its drama without adding much that’s actually funny, and it wraps up somewhat underwhelmingly. 6

Harlem Nights

Harlem Nights (1989) – You expect a lot more from a cast with this many comedy greats—Pryor is solid in a restrained performance, but Murphy is underwhelming in all facets, especially in terms of the script (which is horrendously on-the-nose and riddled with clichés) and the direction; in short, it’s just not that funny, and it doesn’t have much in the way of class going for it either. 5

Gamer

Gamer (2009) – It’s got quite a good cast, and while its cribbing from Running Man (and numerous other films) is forgivable, it’s plagued by bad writing and a lack of development; structurally, it’s a mess, and the non-stop violence is just boring; maybe all that excess would have felt like social commentary if the film wasn’t so terribly juvenile and unfocused. 3

Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland (1951) – This manic film has a weak and hodgepodge narrative, but it’s a singular experience, with great animation and a goodly number of unforgettable characters and sequences. 7

Fury

Fury (2014) – This is a visually excellent, visceral film, and I like what it did with LaBeouf’s character, but the combat is well below average in the realism department (and are those whisper-quiet tanks electric or what?), and the last hour is well beyond silly—but hey, if Shia LaBeouf really got saved then I guess it was all worthwhile. 4

Starship Troopers

Starship Troopers (1997) – It’s full of dodgy acting, cheeseball romance, and weak, dumb scripting (although some of this cheese is surely deliberate), making it, in short, a glossy B-movie; the film’s satire of jingoism and the war film genre is broad and only passably effective, but the immersive world and the good focus on the infantry characters go a long way toward making up for the fact that it isn’t a great action movie. 6

The Equalizer

The Equalizer (2014) – Overlong and slow to get going, this pile of clichés labors under the mistaken impression that it’s a meaningful film; nevertheless, Denzel’s screen presence goes a long way toward making up for the blandest of protagonists, and while this is just one more of his old-man action films, it’s sufficiently satisfying and decently creative in that respect. 6

The Guard

The Guard (2011) – Vaguely unpleasant throughout, it’s clever at times but not really that funny, and with weak plotting and an extremely uneven tone—the serious and silly elements don’t play well together at all—it’s got little going for it beyond quirkiness, making for a rather underwhelming experience. 5

The Sword in the Stone

The Sword in the Stone (1963) – The story’s a bit on the thin side and this one is more life-lesson-instilling than your average Disney fare, but more to the point, it’s also extremely funny, and many of its sequences and elements (the wizards’ duel and the sassy sugar bowl are particular highlights) are thoroughly delightful. 7

Calvary

Calvary (2014) – Gleeson is excellent as the good (if noticeably unspiritual) shepherd of this film, which is thoughtful but feels like a collection of issues in search of a real story—there’s a disconnect between much of the goings-on and the death threat (and it’s utterly inexplicable that he doesn’t go to the police), and it’s tough to care too much about who in this village of contrived, morally bankrupt “quirky” characters is the one planning to do him in. 5

Furious 7

Furious 7 (2015) – Odds are you’re here for the ludicrous action silliness and you don’t care about the awful dialogue or the fact that this is little more a bunch of set pieces strung together amid an utterly nonsensical story; but the action sequences are well done (if physics-disregarding), and the film is entertaining (if you don’t miss half of it while rolling your eyes) in its way (how does Furious 8 top this, send them to space?)—I wanted more Johnson and more Jaa, though; that tribute to Paul Walker at the end would be super weird if you didn’t know he died in real life. 5

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty (1959) – Beautifully animated with great art design, it’s light on songs, but with an effective score, it’s very strong on atmosphere—not to mention loaded with dramatic irony—and the three fairies make for surprisingly effective protagonists (as indeed they are). 7

The World's End

The World’s End (2013) – Amusing and mostly entertaining but only occasionally laugh-out-loud funny, it lacks the spark of the previous Wright/Pegg/Frost collaborations, nor does it send up its genre with the same cutting creativity; the performances are good, but the ending is weak sauce. 6

RoboCop

RoboCop (1987) – It’s an extremely satisfying action movie and a vicious satire loaded with Christian imagery (Robocop himself is, if you will, a Christ for Reagan’s America); although there are some dodgy spots, the acting is mostly a plus (Weller and Smith are the highlights), but let’s be honest: ED-209 is a completely terrible product—seriously, it’s just the worst. 8

Hercules

Hercules (2014) – It’s an interesting take on the subject matter, although the story itself is extremely predictable and doesn’t try very hard; nevertheless, the film has a decent sense of humor, and as Hercules, Johnson, who proves more than a worthy successor to Schwarzenegger’s Conan, carries a film that mostly lacks human interest otherwise. 6

The Wind Rises

The Wind Rises (2013) – It’s beautifully crafted, of course, and it takes an interesting and unusual approach to its sound effects, but it lacks tension, it’s a bit self-indulgent, the romance is saccharine, it doesn’t always flow well, and it jarringly refuses to engage its themes directly; the film sweeps the viewer up decently well nonetheless, but one hopes for better from Miyazaki, especially if he really is done. 6

Tequila Sunrise

Tequila Sunrise (1988) – First of all, wow, those leads—but this one’s got a lot of problems, including characters held at arm’s length from the viewers, a muddled and unfocused story, bad dialogue, the unspeakable dumbness of Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, and what is quite possibly the ’80s-est score of all time. 5

The Hobbit

The Hobbit (1977) – It cuts a lot of corners storywise—too many for its own good, in fact—but this is a charming little film that’s true to the spirit of the book; John Huston is an ideal Gandalf, and the soundtrack, headed by the warbly folk stylings of Glenn Yarbrough, is phenomenal. 7

The Giver

The Giver (2014) – This is an expository, generic, shallow, predictable, uncompelling, dumbed-down, credulity-breaking, zero-tension film that has little to offer except perhaps as Baby’s First Dystopian Sci-Fi. 4

Dr. Phibes Rises Again

Dr. Phibes Rises Again (1972) – It’s got a talky, muddled, weak script with supernatural elements that don’t make a lot of sense, and the result is a campier and less interesting film than its predecessor; it certainly is odd to see Terry-Thomas here in a different role. 5

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) – This is an engaging film with just a tiny bit of real suspense; the murders are creative, although getting the ten plagues right shouldn’t be too much to ask; it’s also got a decent sense of humor, although things can get bit goofy at times. 6

Revengers Tragedy

Revengers Tragedy (2002) – Here’s an over-the-top, blackly comic Jacobean revenge-em-up done decently well (if rather campily); it’s got good performances by the leads and an interesting synth score by Chumbawamba, but the anachronism and androgynous punk style place it squarely in the shadow of Taymor’s Titus; I leave the film with two questions: what’s the deal with the video game spellcasting wipe noises, and where’s the apostrophe? 6  

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) – The star power and the leads’ chemistry drive the film, which has a good sense of humor (although the script repeatedly veers into Hollywood cutesiness and Ross’s character, the third wheel, gets short shrift) and great cinematography (although Hill’s a bit too enamored with the scenery, which leads to some pacing and tension issues); then, of course, there’s the bad and badly dated anachronistic music choices; nevertheless, it’s worth watching, both because of its own merits and because of its status as the granddaddy of the buddy action movie. 7

The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer

The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer (1947) – It’s patently obvious from the start where thin and far-fetched movies of this sort are going to end up, and this one gets there in a respectably amusing manner, mostly on the power of charm and chemistry; in case you ever wondered, this is where David Bowie’s "Magic Dance" patter in Labyrinth comes from. 6

Braveheart

Braveheart (1995) – It may be historically inaccurate to a mind-boggling degree and it may be stocked with Hollywood clichés, but this is a well-crafted, dramatically strong, compelling film with good character development, a great score, and well-done battle scenes. 7

Rollerball

Rollerball (1975) – That Jewison brings to the table a coherent and decently involving sport is pretty impressive in its own right (although could anybody else on the team score just one goal?), and while visually it’s astoundingly dated and Caan doesn’t always seem like he knows what to do with his character, this is an engaging, immersive film with ever-relevant commentary. 7

X-Men: Days of Future Past

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) – It’s got an impressive, huge cast, even if most of it doesn’t have much to do, and there are some fantastic sequences featuring the creative use of powers (Quicksilver is a particular highlight), but the plot can feel by the numbers—it spends a lot of time retreading the usual X-Men themes—and the time travel makes it easy to tell what doesn’t really count. 6

A Million Ways to Die in the West

A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) – Exceedingly vulgar and wildly inconsistent in tone (Liam Neeson seems to be making some other movie entirely), it’s never actually very funny—the largely predictable jokes don’t try very hard, and the anachronism of using modern attitudes to make fun of the West doesn’t have anywhere near enough juice for a full movie. 4

TV: The Tick (2001)

The Tick (2001) – For obvious reasons, it can’t be as ridiculous as the thoroughly delightful cartoon, and not only does it lack its predecessor’s gleeful energy, it often falls into the mundane, as it tends to be short on story and long on chitchat; nevertheless, it has its moments, and it’s frequently amusing if never very funny; the highlight is the cast, headed by Warburton—it’s impossible to imagine a better choice for the title role. 6 

The Monster That Challenged the World

The Monster That Challenged the World (1957) – Here’s a by-the-numbers but generally competent B-horror film with surprisingly respectable creatures (even if they look like larvae rather than mollusks and they mostly just stand there); however, it drags in the middle, it’s got some dumb moments, and it doesn’t build to much of anything (The Monster That Challenged the Salton Watershed doesn’t have quite the same ring to it); Milton Parsons steals his few scenes, but there’s not much to get excited about otherwise. 5

Road House

Road House (1989) – Chalk another one up to the ’80s: over the top in every way and impossible to be taken remotely seriously by anyone but itself, this film feels like it was written by a horny 13-year-old; it manages to be mindlessly entertaining at times (both in spite of and because of its clumsy attempts at romance, sex, and realism), but it’s overlong and it gets rather tiresome by the end. 4

Stake Land

Stake Land (2010) – So here’s a not-for-the-squeamish post-apoc zombie movie playing by vampire rules—it’s well shot and it’s got good atmosphere, and it’s impressive given the budget, but it’s thinly plotted and episodic (it feels like episodes of a web series strung together), it’s got all that awful narration, it’s lacking in character development and pace, and it’s got nothing we haven’t seen before. 5

D.O.A.

D.O.A. (1950) – It has a great premise and some good noir atmosphere, but the writing and direction aren’t so hot—it gets off to a plodding start, it’s got an overdramatic script full of stilted dialogue, the overly convoluted plot is hard to get into, some of the acting is horrendous, the protagonist isn’t sympathetic even though he’s been murdered, and those wolf-whistles are completely unforgivable. 5