A Simple Plan

A Simple Plan (1998) – This sort of slow-building, gradually escalating look at human nature, greed, and rationalization has been done before, but this is an engrossing, suspenseful film with well-developed characters and great performances (especially Thornton) that put it above others of its ilk; it can get a bit implausible at times, but even so, this is easily one of Raimi’s most restrained films. 7

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) – It does some things well, but this is a bloated, unfocused, lazily plotted affair that retreads way too much ground from the Raimi films; it’s got too many subplots (none of which are compelling), a completely tiresome romantic arc, a preponderance of lame banter and on-the-nose dialogue, and villains that would be at home in a Schumacher Batman film (Paul Giamatti, what are you doing with your life?). 5

Sabotage (2014)

Sabotage (2014) – This is an atypical Schwarzenegger film—gritty, having no real good guys, and unnecessarily vulgar and gory (the cartel torture may be realistic, but it also feels exploitative to an extent); what nevertheless might have been a good film with an engaging mystery is brought down by the sheer dumbness of its plot (a big plot hole makes it go, and the climax is completely preposterous). 5

Revenge of the Sith

Revenge of the Sith (2005) – Thus the neutering of Vader concludes: this is a big enough story that even this barely competent, potential-squandering execution is going to be worthwhile, but all the fancy lightsaber duels in the world can’t make up for bad storytelling (the last thirty minutes make for an utterly feeble, intelligence-insulting transition to the classic trilogy); the dialogue is still awful, and except for McDiarmid and McGregor, it’s wooden acting across the board again; the stupidity is less flagrant and Christiansen is somewhat less terrible, but never for one minute will I believe that this clueless, whiny kid is Darth Vader. 5

Attack of the Clones

Attack of the Clones (2002) – The uncompelling cartoon conflict continues, and strong art direction and 90% less Jar Jar are hardly enough for a substantial improvement as once again, Lucas’s writing and directing are the root of nearly all the film’s problems: it’s badly paced, with another poorly handled villain (he first shows at 1:16!), and McGregor’s about the only one who can deliver his lines convincingly—Christiansen’s the worst, largely because of his awful creepy stalker dialogue, which is just the icing on the cake of fourth-grader scripting that permeates every scene in this film, and which is only a portion of what could be the most forced and painful romance ever filmed. 5

The Phantom Menace

The Phantom Menace (1999) – It’s got some strengths—great new music from Williams, Darth Maul (the five minutes we get of him, anyway), fantastic art direction, and some cool (if badly choreographed) lightsaber action—but its list of horrendously awful elements is astoundingly long: these include Jar Jar, the kid, the midi-chlorians and the virgin birth, the inclusion of the droids, the bizarre ethnic stereotypes, and the wall-to-wall atrocious dialogue; nor have George’s vaunted CGI effects aged well; it’s bad enough that the film is a dumbed-down, poorly structured, uninvolving, eye-roll-inducing cartoon for small children, but it’s also an indelible stain on a once-proud franchise. 4

Return of the Jedi

Return of the Jedi* (1983) – It introduces lots more iconic creatures (yes, that includes the stormtrooper-eating Ewoks)—not to mention an iconic bikini—and it’s the most technically impressive of the three (which is really saying something), although it’s somewhat less ambitious than its predecessor in terms of storytelling and it’s prone to goofiness (not just where the Ewoks are concerned, although the Endor scenes are comparatively weak); but while it’s the most uneven film in the trilogy, it completes the important character arcs in a very satisfying manner and successfully concludes what is for my money probably the all-around greatest film trilogy ever. 8

*Original theatrical version