G.I. Joe: Retaliation

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) – The story is so preposterous that the film needed the cartoony tone of the first one, not this personality-less Call of Duty approach that doesn’t often actually feel like G.I. Joe; there are also dodgy effects and transitions, strained attempts to be “cool,” and numerous occasions that insult the intelligence (the inexplicably self-destructing satellites are the brain-damaged icing on that particular cake), but ultimately, this film is just boring; the massive cast overhaul is a wash (although RZA is terrible). 4

Stop Me Before I Kill!

Stop Me Before I Kill! (1960) – After a wonderfully striking opening shot, the film becomes a repetitive and talky affair; the acting is good, but the final act of this purported thriller is neither surprising nor satisfying; it’s funny to me that somebody thought the cat rated inclusion on the poster. 5

Cash on Demand

Cash on Demand (1961) – This is a suspenseful and compelling thriller, in which Morell is phenomenal as the classy, soft-spoken villain, and Cushing, who gives his stuffy martinet character some real depth, is just as good; the last few minutes aren’t quite on the level of the rest of the film, but they suffice. 7

G.I. Joe: The Movie

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987) – The opening theme song is five of the most amazing minutes in cinema; beyond that, though, it’s the usual disco party of exploding vehicles and badly aimed lasers, with incompetent heroes versus even more incompetent villains; and, as usual, the villains are more interesting, while the good guys are all clowns who do and say goofy stuff just so you can tell them apart; the voice acting is pretty good all around, but the story makes almost no sense whatsoever; I mean, it’s really dumb; mesmerizingly dumb. 5

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013) – Holy smokes, 50+ Jim Carrey got shredded for this movie; too bad he’s one of the few highlights, though, as many of the jokes try way too hard, entire scenes are painfully asinine, and Carell’s character is utterly tiresome; in its defense, the movie does have the occasional moment, and the magic is cool (when they’re not cheating with CGI, which is often). 5

Porco Rosso

Porco Rosso (1992) – This is a great-looking period piece with wonderful attention to detail and Miyazaki’s usual emphasis on strong female characters; his obvious enthusiasm for the subject matter makes the film, which is more layered than its whimsical tone initially suggests, charming and immersive, even given its lapses in story. 7